Everyone experiences grief at some point in their life—it can be from the death of a loved one, the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the end of a relationship, or the loss of a job. Anything that changes life as you know it can cause grief. 

Grief is deeply personal. It looks different in everyone. Some people deal with intense sadness by crying, others by withdrawing from loved ones, and yet others by delving head-first into new relationships. 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there is no fixed timeline for the healing process. But understanding grief and the grieving process can help you understand what you or some other grieving person is going through. 

There are various stages of grief that have been described. Different models list two, four, five, or seven stages of grief. Please keep reading to learn more about the stages of grief and other aspects of grieving. It will help you understand your feelings and emotions. It may also help you decide whether your need to join support groups or get grief counseling.

What are the real stages of grief?

The most popular grief theory was created by a Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, in the late 1960s. In her book called On Death and Dying, Kübler-Ross wrote that grief could be divided into five stages. She based this on her observations in terminally ill patients. This is now popularly called the Kübler-Ross model. While it was originally devised for people who were grappling with the reality of their own death, these stages have now been adapted for others who experience feelings of grief and loss.

What are the five stages of grief in the Kübler-Ross model?

The Kübler-Ross grief model lists the following five stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Remember, everyone grieves differently. Not everyone will go through all five stages in the same order. You might start with anger and move directly to depression. Someone else will grieve in their own way, perhaps beginning with the bargaining stage and moving on to denial. A person can stay in one stage for months or skip a stage altogether.

A different model that describes seven stages of grief includes a sixth stage of pain and guilt. There is also a final stage of working through your grief with an upward turn in your mental state. Again, there is no such thing as a necessary stage. Everyone has a different path to healing.

In the following paragraphs, we’ll talk about the five stages of grief as described by the Kübler-Ross model. 

What is the denial stage of grief? 

Grief can feel overwhelming to most people. It is not unusual to respond to a new reality by pretending the loss has not occurred. In other words, many people’s first reaction is, “This is not happening.” It is the mind’s way of giving you time to absorb the change and start processing it. It is a type of defense mechanism or coping mechanism that makes you numb to an intense situation. You want to stay in a preferable reality because the truth is just too hard to fathom. But, over time, you are forced to confront reality, and the emotions you’ve been suppressing begin to rise. 

An example of the denial stage of grief in terminally ill patients, for instance, is feeling “The test results must be wrong. This can’t be true.”

What is the anger stage of grief? 

The grief theory says that the anger stage of grief is a masking mechanism. It is a way of hiding the pain and emotions you feel. The anger a grieving person feels is often directed at other people (the person who died, an ex, an old boss) or even inanimate objects. While deep down you know the anger is not rational, the feelings are too intense to process. Also, anger does not always manifest as rage or fury. Instead, it can take the form of resentment or bitterness. Some people linger in this stage of grief for months or years. Others may not experience it at all. 

An example of anger after the death of a loved one, for instance, is feeling, “If he had got medical help earlier, this wouldn’t have happened.”

What is the bargaining stage of grief? 

Many people who are grieving feel helpless and vulnerable in the face of a new reality. In such a situation, it is not unusual to try and regain control. The bargaining stage of grief often involves mulling over “if only” and “what if” scenarios. It can include making deals with God (if you are religious) to relieve the pain. It is a way of postponing emotions like hurt, confusion, and sadness. 

An example of this stage after a job loss, for instance, is thinking, “Give me another chance, and I’ll prove my worth.”

What is the depression stage of grief? 

While the anger and bargaining stages are more active, depression is the quieter stage of grief. It happens when the intense emotions of the early stages of loss dissipate. You start to understand the enormity of the change fully. It is not unusual to feel deserted or alone at this time. This stage can mimic clinical depression in that you might withdraw from friends and family members and experience extreme sadness. 

An example of this stage after the death of a loved one, for instance, is feeling, “Why go on living at all?”

What is the acceptance stage of grief? 

This is usually the last stage of grieving, where you start reaching acceptance. You stop asking, “Why me?” It is the point where you accept the new reality and what it means to your life. You might start to explore new relationships and start re-engaging with your immediate environment. At the same time, you have more good days than bad days.

An example of acceptance after a divorce, for instance, is “It was for the best after all.”

Understanding grief and the grieving process

The Kübler-Ross model can help you understand what you or a loved one is going through and put your feelings in context. But remember, these five stages of grief are guidelines and not rules. You will take your own time to process the change in life circumstances. You may experience all five stages or only four phases in any order. Your grieving process will not look like someone else’s, but it is very valid. And the time it takes you to navigate the grieving process can range from days to weeks to months or even longer. 

Get help from mental health professionals

Most people recover from loss with time and with the proper support. If your emotions feel overwhelming, you should not hesitate to get help. You do not have to grieve alone. There are support groups and bereavement groups where you can connect with others going through similar losses. They can help you eventually find the strength to overcome whatever life has thrown at you. Also, therapy with a mental health professional can help you understand your feelings and find ways of coping with intense emotions. 
 

References:

1. https://www.apa.org/topics/families/grief

2. https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief